i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The air taste purple.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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