Your mouth is God's brothel.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I did not marry a roomba.
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