Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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