Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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