Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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