my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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