I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
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I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
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Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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