remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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