i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
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WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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