We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
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I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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