I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
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There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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