This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
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Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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