I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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