we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
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I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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