I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
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I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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