Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
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I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
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Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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