There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
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the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
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Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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