I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
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We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
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I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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