I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize