the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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