I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
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My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
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We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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