i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize