Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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