FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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