I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
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And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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