Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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