i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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