If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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