My sheets look like a crime scene.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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