Just fell off a train. Bad.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
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So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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