Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if only i could text you this smell
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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