I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
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I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
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I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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