He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
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His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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