can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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