my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
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We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
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It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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