phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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