Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
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The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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