drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
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Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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