The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize