omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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