I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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