I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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