Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
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I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
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We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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