She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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