We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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