Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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