So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I am midnight drunk by noon
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
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He just called me juicy booty via text message.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
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i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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