I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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