Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
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Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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