Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
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You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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